


you young lost sinner

by theskythatwontfall



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Brief mention of homophobic violence, Canon Queer Character, Gen, Homophobia, Pre-Canon, Queer Themes, and accidentally finding a family with strangers who dont even know he is there, implied panic attack that's very much blink and you'll miss it, this is just alec finding out about pride and how the mundane world celebrates it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:15:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskythatwontfall/pseuds/theskythatwontfall
Summary: Alec Lightwood discovers what Pride is, fights demons (both mundane and otherwise), and finds a family in a community he doesn't know yet but is ready to welcome him with open arms whenever he is ready.
Relationships: pre-Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood - Relationship
Comments: 16
Kudos: 81





	you young lost sinner

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! this fic is very much a self-indulgent alec pride angst where i ProjectTM all over him and have feelings about alec and his relationship with the queer community because it isn't explored in canon and i really wanted to try and figure out how it would have worked.
> 
> this fic was beta-ed by the lovely @tothetrashwhereibelong and @maiaisbia on tumblr and any and all remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone! thank you so much lêx and aurora for your help! i could not have done this without yall!
> 
> title is from 'the village' by wrabel

A common misconception in the Shadow World is that Shadowhunters are unaware of mundane media, events, celebrations, and culture in general. While the Nephilim wouldn’t be able to expound on the finer points of the _Star Wars_ expanded universe, or debate whether this year’s Grammy Awards were rigged (spoiler alert: they’re _always_ rigged), they know the general big events that occur in the mundane world, especially those that occur in the area under the jurisdiction of their respective Institutes. 

In New York, this includes large scale events and celebrations such as New Year’s, Easter, Christmas, Hanukkah, a myriad of award shows and art shows and parades, and of course, Pride. Demons love to come out in droves during big events, exploiting the existing chaos to prey on unsuspecting mundanes, making it standard Institute protocol to assign extra patrols and even sanction rare solo patrols to monitor and control demon activity. Special patrols, they call them.

As Acting Head of the New York Institute, Alec Lightwood is free to go on as many special patrols as he likes without question. He’s the one that makes and approves most of the patrol schedules after all, now that he is older.

If Alec’s solo patrols spike during Pride season, well, that’s neither here nor there, is it?

___________________________________________________________________

When Alec first goes out on a special patrol during Pride, he is fifteen and full of a determination born from years of working hard to prove he is the best Shadowhunter of his generation, only to fall short time and again in his parents’ eyes when he is put next to Jace. 

He runes his arrows efficiently, checking and double-checking that he has sufficient weaponry with him. Alone in the weapons room, he puts his stele in his pocket and hoists his quiver over his shoulder, breathing deep to centre himself and psych himself to _just fucking do this and bring honour to the Lightwood name_. He doesn’t let himself think of being thought of as less than honourable, of what the Clave would do to him if they found out his secret, of how all his efforts would all go to waste if he was exposed. What would happen if they knew he was–

_No._ _They will not get that part of me._

He grabs his bow and storms off, stalking off into the night.

___________________________________________________________________

As Alec reaches the area where the majority of the mundane events are taking place, glamoured and ready to kill demons at a moment’s notice, he suddenly realises exactly what the mundanes are celebrating. He sees two men, about the age of his parents, arms around each other with a rainbow flag draped around them and a girl who looks as old as him talking about her girlfriend excitedly to friends. He sees a group of friends walk out of a bar discussing their plans for the upcoming festivities and what sounds like retro night at the drag show? Alec doesn’t understand that part, but what he does understand is what Pride is. 

He walks the patrol route, thankful for runes that mask his presence as he marvels and gazes at the people around him, at how even in a city that never sleeps, he has found the one place that is thrumming with a new different kind of life at this late hour. He peers into the windows of a bar decorated with all different coloured flags, watches as someone presses a kiss to their lover’s lips as they move out of view, presumably onto the dance floor. Alec smiles a little at their love, at this open, easy affection and intimacy in the simple gesture. He imagines it for himself for a moment, thinking of what it would feel like to have that kind of love, that kind of freedom, with another man. He stands at the street corner, thinking about what life would have been like if he was born mundane, without the weight of his family name on his shoulders, a world where he could be Alec before he was Lightwood, a world where he was free to love and be and exist without fear. 

Alec knows he can’t have that though, can’t have the type of love and freedom he craves, knows he is going to end up in a political marriage to some proper Idris girl and then die young in a glory-filled battle, so he wrenches himself from his daydreams, ignoring the salty hot tears streaming down his face as he walks away from the bar.

___________________________________________________________________

As the night goes on, the streets get less crowded and the clubs and bars fill with people, Alec decides to deactivate his glamour rune and walk the streets on the lookout for demons. 

Surprisingly, all is calm, with nary a demon in sight, and Alec knows that with it all being so clear, he should just call it a night and head back to the Institute and fill out his patrol report. Something about the Pride celebrations makes him want to stay though, and so he resumes his patrol route and people watching. 

He stands across from another gay bar, watching as the crowd inside slowly grows as people file in to watch some type of performance advertised on posters outside and around the bar. He goes unnoticed by everyone, and slowly loses himself in longing to be out there with a community he doesn’t admit is his outside the quiet of his solitude. 

He’s so lost in his head, his mind swimming with _what if’s_ and ‘ _could-have-been’s_ that he doesn’t realise he’s been spotted. A mundane stops outside the door and meets his eyes, and somehow Alec knows that once upon a time they were just like him, full of fear and longing and anger and sadness and pain. This is because the mundane smiles, encouraging and uplifting, mouths “it will get better, trust me” and Alec tries to smile back, a sad smile just barely lifting the corners of his mouth as he shrugs and turns, shoulders hunched over. His heart feels like it’s clenched tight in his chest, a tangled mess of sinew and tissue and heartache, his longing to be free manifested into a physical ache. 

He makes his way back to the Institute, resolving to always take more special patrols during Pride season; for though the heartache burns like nothing ever has, the sense of community, of hope, of _freedom_ , is something he cannot find it in himself to give up. And, he reminds himself, no one else has to know.

___________________________________________________________________

From then on, Alec doubles up his solo patrols during Pride season. His parents assume he just wants to prove himself and restore their family honour, the other Nephilim in the Institute chalk it up to classic “rookie trying to establish themselves” behaviour, and Jace doesn’t notice much at all, caught up in his own special patrols and training. 

And so it goes, with Alec spending every spare moment of his special Pride patrols, soaking up the atmosphere of it all, in between killing Ravener demons next to a community organising space and obliterating Shax demon nests in the dingy, dark alleys between bars. During the brief lull periods between Shadow World demon sightings, he also takes to psyching himself up to _just fucking go into one of the bars or clubs for once_. 

He never does, constantly stopped by the fear that somehow, someone somewhere would find out and report him to the Clave. Then all his sacrifices and the work he put in for himself and his family would go to waste. Alec knows that if he was found out, he would be deruned and exiled before he could say “stele”, and even if he miraculously managed to make a life for himself amongst the mundanes, he would forever carry the guilt of failing his family; especially Izzy and Max. 

His mother told him once: _I named you Alexander because it means ‘protector of men’, because I knew in my heart that you would do anything to protect the ones you love, your family. I also knew when you saw Izzy and Max for the first time, that you would sooner harm befall you than either of them._

Alexander Lightwood–protector of men sounds well and good until you realise that his protection is unconditional, that it knows no bounds and that he would sacrifice himself in a heartbeat for his family. It could hang heavy, a weight on Alec’s shoulders he felt more and more with each passing year.

But Alec realises now that his definition of “family” extends not only to his parents and siblings, but to every last one of the people he sees during his Pride patrols; the ones he silently protects every night from demons of all kinds. He’ll risk his life and live a lie as long as they stay safe and get to live their truth.

___________________________________________________________________

“Hey Alec, do you ever wonder what we’d do if we were mundanes?”

“Why, in the name of the Angel, would I ever want to be mundane?”

“That’s not the question and you know it! Ugh! What I mean is, assuming you were born and raised mundane, what would you do?”

“How would I know, Izzy? It’s not like I’m an expert in mundane culture or anything.”

“Fine, let me rephrase the question _again_ : What would you do if you were free?”

Alec was silent.

___________________________________________________________________

** WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS FREE **

  * come out to everyone
  * go to Pride and be myself ~~whatever that means~~
  * find some other queer friends to be with ~~hopefully~~
  * find out what the hell a ‘drag show’ is
  * go on dates
  * fall in love 
  * get married to a man; find myself a husband ~~just not a woman please no no no i can’t do that please no~~
  * not die young in a fight
  * live as myself for once; live as alec before lightwood; live without fear; live without the clave breathing down my neck all the time; live free



___________________________________________________________________

The list is crushed almost immediately after Alec finishes the last word, and is promptly stuffed deep into the recesses of his underwear drawer on his dresser; where nobody, not even nosy Izzy and Jace, will ever find it. 

He doesn’t admit it to anyone, but shoving that list in the back of his drawer feels like he just ripped his own heart out of his chest and shoved in with it, never to see the light of day again. 

___________________________________________________________________

Over the years, Alec managed to spot regulars during his patrols. He has watched as a certain group of friends always went out during Pride to celebrate one of their coming out anniversaries, he has seen a couple get together and then getting engaged a year later outside the Stonewall Inn; he witnessed the heartwarming coming out of a trans woman to her sister.

But it’s not just the good that he’s seen and shared the joy in.

Even though New York City was regarded by many as a safe place, there were still many queerphobes that prowled the city at night, hoping the cover of darkness will best allow them to best to cause harm. 

They might have been prepared for mundane intervention, but they definitely wouldn’t have expected Alec Lightwood to jump into the fray, swiftly incapacitating the attacker and quickly leaving before the mundane victim realised what was happening. It worked most of the time, the usually inebriated mundane dismissing Alec’s miraculous appearance as a figment of their imagination, before rushing off to alert the mundane authorities. 

The keyword is _most_ , with only one mundane ever properly acknowledging and processing his appearance. It happened when one night, he saved the tipsy mundane from being attacked in an alley by a demon of the mundane species, slurs hurled as expertly as a seraph blade in the hands of a trained Nephilim. Overcome by the fierce protectiveness he had only ever felt when defending his family, Alec pushed the mundane-demon off of the poor victim, knocking him out with a few solid punches, angel blood singing in his veins as he was filled to the brim with righteous fury. 

He helped the mundane up, steadying them while they dust off whatever New York grime they could. When they seemed more stable, Alec let go and turned to leave, when he hears them clear their throat. 

Turning around, he hears them rasp out in a deep voice, “T-Thanks for that man, I swear I could have fought that punk off if I wasn’t wearing these damned stilettos...but hey, it’s Pride, and that means I get a pass to give up a little bit of function for fashion, no?” 

Blinking in surprise at being addressed directly and in such a friendly manner by a random mundane, Alec replied, “...Uh yeah, it’s okay. Don’t mention it, just being helpful here. But if you’re feeling better then maybe you should go? In case anyone comes looking for this guy,” Alec nodded at the passed out attacker lying on the ground between them. 

“Yeah I should probably get back to my friends; they’re probably worried sick looking for me,” they said, voice fond as they laughed a little, walking towards the main street.

Alec is waiting for them to leave so he can re-activate his glamour rune when the mundane stopped and asked him, “Do you want to come meet my friends? I’m sure they’d love to buy you a drink and get to know the person who saved my life from that asshole.”

Alec tensed up, and immediately refused, panicked half-excuses falling from his lips as he rushed to explain that _he can’t come join them at the mixer they were headed back to and shit shit shit you didn’t know I knew that and now you do fuck–_

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay, you don’t have to come with me, just take some deep breaths,” the mundane soothed, breathing deep and encouraging Alec to join them, “Listen, I saw you looking at the mixer going on, and I know it’s hard now, but someday you’re going to be able to go in there without panicking okay?”

Alec soon calmed down, he nodded in thanks at the mundane as he catches his breath and gets ready to leave again, when he feels a piece of cloth being pressed into his hands. Looking down, he realises it’s a rainbow flag; _his_ flag. He stares up at the mundane, brow furrowed in confusion.

The mundane quirked a half-smile that’s somehow sad and hopeful at the same time, it feels familiar to him somehow, and says, “For whenever you’re ready to come find us,” before they walked quickly back to the party, leaving Alec standing alone in the alley. 

He pressed the small flag to his chest and whispered a faint “thank you”, tears glistening in his eyes as he carefully held the flag in his hands as if scared it would disintegrate in front of his very eyes. Wiping the tears with his jacket sleeve, he reverently tucked the flag into an inner pocket of his jacket that he etches small protection runes into; just to make sure nothing would happen to it on his trek back to the Institute. 

As Alec walks back to the Institute, away from Pride and warmth and hope and freedom, he swears he feels warmth spreading through his body from where the flag is pressed against his chest; right over his heart. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading and i hope you enjoyed it! (sorry if i made you cry) i would love if you left me some kudos and comments (concrit very much appreciated!) and check out my other fics! you can also find me on tumblr @biconicfinn!


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